Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
