I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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