My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
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