What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
