So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
