just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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