Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
