im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
