So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
