i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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