Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
