I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
