Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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