I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
