I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
