I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Couch. On fire.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
