I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
