So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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