I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
