My cat gives me a boner
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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