my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
