Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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