I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
