you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
