Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
