you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize