What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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