So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
