I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
