I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
