Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
