I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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