3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
