Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
