Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
