my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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