Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
