i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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