I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
