I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
