You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
