we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize