We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
