What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
