So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize