Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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