yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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