Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
