I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
