Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
