If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
