Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
