I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
