i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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