apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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