wrigley field is MILF paradise
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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